half goon half god

Archive for August, 2007|Monthly archive page

Boy Throws Sausage, Might Go To Jail

In Uncategorized on August 23, 2007 at 5:25 pm

Enough cocks, let’s talk sausages!


A 12-YEAR-OLD British boy appeared in court charged with assault for throwing a sausage at a pensioner, police said.

The boy’s mother described the decision to charge her son as “an absolute joke”, although police said they had no choice.

The youth, who can’t be named, was arrested after a 74-year-old man reported him to police for throwing a stone in Manchester, northern England.

The object turned out to be a cocktail sausage.

“Charging was the only option because the boy had previously been issued with three reprimands on separate occasions,” a Greater Manchester Police spokeswoman said.

Police and prosecutors have launched a joint review of the case after a judge at Manchester Youth Court reportedly urged them to reconsider.

“If he has done what was suggested it is very bad behaviour,” District Judge Tim Devas was reported as saying in the Manchester Evening News.

“But is it in the public interest to prosecute a 12-year-old boy who threw a sausage?”

The boy’s mother said her son was worried he might be sent to prison.

(from news.com.au)

“So… What are you in for?”

“I killed a man with my bare hands in front of a copper. What about you?”

“erm… I threw a sausage at an old man…”

I propose a ban on all processed meat to stop this kind of violence in our streets. If we let it continue, nobody will be safe from spam bandits, sausage-link stranglers, or the threat of finding your car plastered with that weird meat that’s dyed to look like a smiley face.

There’s also the threat of it escalating into gourmet attacks, with young hooligans clobbering people over the head with 2 foot sticks of Hungarian blue ribbon salami, and their homes being ransacked by thieves wielding legs of champagne ham.

The message is simple:


Man’s Penis Set on Fire

In Uncategorized on August 23, 2007 at 1:17 am

Last week, it was amusing multi-legged animals. This week, it’s amusing penis injuries!

From correspondents in Moscow
August 22, 2007 07:01pm

A WOMAN set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said today.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was “difficult to predict”.

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation.

The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

“It was monstrously painful,” the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper.

“I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

(from news.com.au)

Oh… Those Russians!

Now, I don’t care how bad the relationship is, or how difficult it may be to live with your ex-spouse, THERE IS STILL NO REASON TO SET FIRE TO THE OTHER PERSON’S GENITALS!

I am, however, left wondering as to how she set him on fire… Did she use the vodka as some sort of incendiary liquid, or did she just throw a lit match into his lap and hope for the best? Or was the blaze restricted to his penis? If so, I’m even more intrigued. Because that would take a little more effort to set on fire than the entire region. The possibilities for a crotchblaze are endless!

In any case, my heart goes out to you, torchcocked Russian man. I don’t know what you did to deserve it either. Because I was and am in no way involved in your particular situation or the ensuing police investigation.

Dwarf’s Penis Stuck to Vacuum

In Uncategorized on August 21, 2007 at 10:39 pm

This is hands-down the week’s best headline. Possibly even the year’s best headline:


A DWARF performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.

The attachment broke before the performance and Mr Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me,” Mr Blackner said.

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”

(from news.com.au)

May I be the first to say…

wait for it…


I laughed way too much at ‘the embarrassment was short lived’ 🙂

New Apple Keyboard

In Uncategorized on August 18, 2007 at 11:06 pm

So I bought a new Apple Keyboard this week. Well, last week. I actually bought it the morning it was announced, straight off Apple’s online store. Because I’m just that cool. And it arrived on Wednesday.
That’s what it looks like. Only bigger. But just as flat. You see, this keyboard is very very low, and very very thin. It’s pretty much a sheet of aluminium with buttons. There’s nothing much underneath it, apart from the plastic backing and the moulded bar that raises the top of the keyboard up to create the keyboard’s slope. This bar also serves a second purpose – it houses two USB 2.0 ports, one at each end. The keys are all square (apart from the function keys), and are also very low, jutting out of the metal like little flat stones.

Despite the low profile, I’m finding the new keyboard quite easy to use. Being so low, it actually results in the desk becoming a wrist-rest. This is much kinder to the arms than the old style keyboard, which kept the wrist suspended – something I found quite uncomfortable over long stretches of time.

I’ve also found that the keyboard’s layout has made a noticable difference to my typing speed. The keys, being similar (identical, even) to those found on MacBooks, don’t require too much pressure to register, so I’m able to fly over the keys much faster than on the traditional styled keyboards. My typing is also marginally more accurate. As you can see in the image above, the keys jut out of the aluminium sheet, each in its own little hole. This means one of the biggest issues with keyboards – that of rogue crumbs, hairs and bits sneaking under the keys and hiding – is solved. It’s near-impossible for anything to get under the keys, so cleaning should be much, much easier.

My one problem is with the new special function keys. The keyboard’s F3 and F4 buttons now activate Mac OS X Tiger’s Dashboard and Expose functions, and F7 to F12 control various media functions (an important selling point for me). F1 and F2 control the screen’s brighness settings. The media and screen brightness features work. They’re no problem. But the Dashboard and Expose keys don’t do what they ought to, even after the updated keyboard software is installed. Though I haven’t often used these keys in the past, and probably won’t in the future, this is an obvious problem, and one that’s been experienced by others as well as myself. I assume that this problem will be addressed in a future software update.

My verdict? Excellent. The new Apple keyboard is much more user-friendly than the older style Apple keyboards, and all other traditional keyboards I’ve used. I find it quite efficient, and the media keys are very useful – they’re something I’ve been looking for since I got a Mac. Though there is that slight problem with the other function keys, I don’t find them to be a serious issue, so haven’t in any way degraded the experience for me.
So, if you’re in the market for a new keyboard, have a Mac, and aren’t averse to a slab of (nicely designed) metal sitting on your desk, I highly reccommend taking a look at the new Apple keyboard.

Crocodile Eats Shark

In Uncategorized on August 14, 2007 at 9:11 am

Today’s coolest picture – a saltwater crocodile eating a shark.


(from news.com.au) 

Yet more proof that crocodiles are freaking scary creatures.

Anthony Mundine Blind in Left Eye

In Uncategorized on August 7, 2007 at 11:57 pm

According to foxsports.com.au, champion Australian boxer Anthony Mundine has lost vision in his left eye due to an infection. How did he get this infection?

“Mundine picked up the infection in New Zealand last week, apparently after cleaning a contact lens with his mouth.”

Now, I realise that boxers aren’t exactly the smartest dudes in the world, but surely, surely, common-sense tells you that the best way to clean a contact lens is not popping it in your mouth. We’ve all heard that the mouth is the most unhygienic part of the body, carrying more germs than the average toilet seat. It is not for cleaning things. Especially not things you then put in your eyes.

Devo are Back!

In Uncategorized on August 4, 2007 at 1:39 pm

devo - watch us work it


Devo’s new single, Watch Us Work It, is a classic piece of Devo. I’m going to say that it’s right up there with the best of their old stuff. Their ‘old stuff’ being the best of the albums Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo, Duty Now For The Future and Freedom of Choice.

It has everything a Devo song ought to have – a repeating guitar riff, programmed drums, synths and (of course) Mark Mothersbaugh’s distinctive vocals. And at only 2:13 minutes long, it’s possible to just listen, and listen, and listen, and listen!

…And listen!

(Sorry about the Devo Laserdisc advert paraphrasing there. I couldn’t resist!)

As far as I know, it’s only available via iTunes at the moment. I highly suggest you check it out. It’s awesome. It’s new.

It’s Devo.

Seven Legs of Lamb!

In Uncategorized on August 2, 2007 at 9:36 pm

(from news.com.au)

    Lamb born with seven legs


    A LAMB born with seven legs in New Zealand is likely to have to be destroyed, a vet says.

    The lamb has two extra legs that hang useless behind the forelegs and three hind legs, one with two hoofs.

    It walks using its two forelegs and three hind legs, the local Ashburton Guardian newspaper said.

    Veterinarian Steve Williams at the Canterbury Vets clinic in the rural town of Methven said he believed he believed an error during embryo formation, which happens once in several million sheep, resulted in the extra limbs, AP reported.

    The lamb was also hermaphrodite, meaning it has male and female sexual characteristics.

    Some of the animal’s bowel was also missing so it has been unable to pass faeces and would have to be destroyed.

    The six-day-old lamb was born last Friday on the farm of Dave and Di Callaghan.

    Mr Callaghan said he had found seven-legged creature, born with a normal twin, walking round in the paddock with its mother.

    “I have never seen anything like that,” he said according to AP.

Poor lamb. But if they were all real legs, I bet he could do some pretty cool stuff with them. The rear three can be walked on, which would free up the other four for playing around. I’m sure sheep have more of an idea of what they can do with their legs than I do.

I’d like to think that the lamb’s mother was bitten by a radioactive (NZ is nuclear free!) infected spider, passing its mutant genes to the unborn fetus. This lamb has great powers. It has great responsibility.

Pity it’s all clogged up. You can’t fight crime on a full bowel!